A Picture a Day: Day 3

Day three of a Pic-a-Day.

No hand in the way this time (but only because I don’t have that many pics of me or I would have prolonged a full unimpeded shot for as long as possible).

And I'm running out of things to say about the pics too. Excellent.

A Picture a Day: Day 2

Day two of a pic a day.

And I realise, even attempting this is going to be insane. I look at the pics I’ve got and I just cringe and think, “dear gods and angels, they are all lamentably unviewable.” And then I keep cutting potential pics because I just hate them so much. So I think I have about… two more? This weekend is going to be unfortunately full of attempts to get new pics. I just have to think of somewhere fun to go or something different to do or this is going to get hopelessly boring for all involved.

The Power of Words

Today was not a fun one, just generally difficult between logistical crap and work tensions. And then Orson had some event at the campus tonight and Dea was out with her new boyfriend which means that even Philandros wasn’t here to keep me company.

And then I received an email from a high school friend who I haven’t seen in an age. She appears to be doing very well for herself, engaged to her longtime sweetheart, at a job she loves, and that she’s been thinking about me of late and hoping I was doing well. Her closing lines greatly humbled me: “No one should ever feel like they’re alone, especially someone as courageous and talented as you are. I think you are wonderful.”

 It’s magical the way a few kind words can really turn a day around.

A Picture A Day: Day 1

All right, I am going to try to do this, but I’m cheating and using different pics taken at the same time because I hate being in front of the camera. I will not be taking pics of myself every day and/or posting pics taken that day unless I have something fun/ interesting/ different to share... which isn't often. I don't lead a very interesting life.

All pics will be current though (nothing from when I was five or anything). That's the only thing I will ensure.

A Pic a Day Keeps the Insecurities at Bay?

I told a coworker today about the whole new internet-thing and the semi-terrifying function of the confidence-building aspect of selfies, and while I get it, I also expressed concern at avoiding it because it’s not something I relish doing and I feel like such an idiot. 

She suggested making it a daily thing so that I feel a bit of obligation about it. I don’t think I could post a pic every day, that both innate unwillingness and logistics would likely prevent such a thing, but I suppose that I could try since it was a good suggestion.

So, fair warning to all of you who follow, there will be some selfie-spam. Believe me, it's probably more painful for me. 

Black Nail Polish

After I got out of work, Phoebe talked me into painting my nails black. She was doing her own and she likes to get me involved in whatever craziness she’s brought our way. Last week, I drove her to her bellydancing group and she handed me a set of zils and dragged me into the fray. So this is commonplace.

What the hell though, right? She tried to talk me into some eyeliner (“guyliner” was the term she used) too, but I convinced her that the polish was more than enough for the moment. It definitely makes my hands look a ton more delicate than they actually are. But hey, is the aristocracy hiring? I could be a baron — I’ve got the hands now.  

…and then pics, which I’m NOT a fan about, but she’s in collusion with Orson about this whole self-confidence through exposure thing. So here goes nothing: 

Ballroom Dancing Procrastination

This morning, Dea had Pandora on and I was doing dishes. I stopped though, mid sorting, to join her because a foxtrot came on (I think it was Michael Buble, don't know for sure). When we're both around, if there's something on we can dance to, we usually do. It's our routine: ballroom dancing procrastination. She can delay her work a little, I can delay the chores, and it's fun.

 Afterward, a nice little rumba came on (except with the faster bridge, I faked her out and switched to cha-cha to match the pace, I'm so mean). I had never heard the song before and I really liked it. Dea after IDed it as "Please Don't Die" by Robbie Williams (uplifting title, no?) whose work I had never heard before.

Is Williams worth checking out? Is his other stuff like that?

When People Tell You to Smile...

I saw a motivational poster on Tumblr today which said "Smile."

And I am all for smiling — if you’re happy, if you feel like smiling. 

But if you aren't happy, if you don't feel like smiling, that’s okay, because you are probably feeling a lot of other things at the moment, even if you are happy.

Smiling is a performative act, used to console, comfort, mollify, appease, or please if it is not instinctive, self-initiated, or involuntary. Value your ability of expression. Never underestimate the beautiful nuances that you can communicate with your face.

So don’t smile. Be expressive. Twist your face into crazy shapes to get your point across. Be emotive. Contort your mouth and eyebrows to give whatever you’re facing the full understanding of all those complex feelings going on inside of you that you don’t know how to put into words. Be unafraid. And don’t let anyone tell you to smile if you don’t feel like it. 

There is a glorious complexity going on between your skin and your bones. Use it to show the world how you really feel. 

A New Handmade Scarf!

Just before New Year, I commented to a friend of mine about how annoying it is to wear two scarves. This a method I long-ago adopted for winter: one scarf for my neck, another scarf to wrap around my nose and mouth. It keeps me warm and covered, so annoying or not, it's what I do when it's unreasonably cold out. But I don't have two of the same scarf, so they're always mismatched, and they're both pretty short, so I can't do the fashionable over-the-shoulder toss with either of them.

So…I got a surprise in the mail today! It’s a beautiful handmade scarf AND IT’S LONG ENOUGH TO WRAP THREE TIMES! I am so spoiled. I don’t have to wear two scarves anymore. And fashionable enough now that I can wrap myself and toss the end over the shoulder! 

First Post, Some Context

I don't really know where to start.

I'm Colin.

I'm a quiet person. I like being quiet, being in the background, being someone who is acknowledged but not studied. I'm the person who ducks behind a more extroverted person when the camera comes out or volunteers to take the pictures. I die a little inside every time I have to face a crowd of people who don't know me, and I avoid the internet like a half-starved grizzly bear because it's so... exposed. And I don't like feeling that way.

And yet, here I am. On the internet. Getting ready to be exposed. And why?

First of all, everyone is on the internet these days, especially people of my generation, and I really feel out of the loop. While being out of the spotlight is a good thing for me, that doesn't mean that I don't at least want a part in the chorus. I still want to be a player, just not the lead role. So that means I have to get on the same platform as everyone else.

Secondly, and I'm going to be candid, I have crap self-esteem. Quite rationally, I know that I shouldn't be that hard on myself, shouldn't be so hateful or demeaning to myself. But, that's the funny thing about feelings and perceptions. They don't always conform to what's rational. Part of it is that I am so internal. I take things that hurt me or bother me or make me uncomfortable and I tuck them away inside me. I don't share them or talk about them or try to get the perspectives of other people because, in my twisted mind, if there's something wrong, it's probably with me. And it's not healthy. And it hurts.

My dad, who fancies himself quite the expert on the human psyche, thought it may be beneficial for me to try to be more open with others, especially on a medium that is so impersonal, and to use the internet as a tool to gain a little more self-confidence.

At this point, I am willing to give it a try. Clearly. Here I am.

But I am elsewhere too. I have a tumblr: The-Guy-Who-Laughs
Feel free to recommend things for me to follow there.


~Colin