All Backbone and No Apologies

anonymous asked:

I've been catching your posts on and off (your posts, not reblogs and stuff although those are great too) and it seems like you go about living your life just like anyone else which is a good thing (right?). Where do you get your courage? Where does that bravery come from?

This is a question I get on occasion from people I meet or interact with in person, one of those things that gets asked after someone has spoken to me for more than half of an hour, but not much more. Because, at its surface, it seems like a really solicitous and admirable thing to ask, and by asking, it is implied that I embody the qualities of courage and bravery, both which are generally considered good and noble things to be. And for those people who would think I have them, I will be gracious and take the compliment. So, Anon, thank you.

At the center of the question, however, is also the implication that I have something I need to be courageous and brave about. And of course, when I say that to anyone who asks that question, they immediately respond, “but your scars…!” And yes, my scars indeed. They are completely unacceptable in society, hence the need for bravery and courage to go out in society at all, correct? And yet, should I be called brave and courageous for just doing what I should be able to do without remark? Perhaps instead, it is the unspoken rules that make me unacceptable to society that should be called out instead of my so-called courage and bravery.

Because, I will tell you the truth: I am not brave and I am not courageous. I am a terrible little coward who just tries to live his life as best he can if only because there is nothing else to be done. I hide my face behind a scarf in winter. I keep my hair on the longer side so that I can somewhat hide behind it the rest of the year. I like high-collared coats and jackets. I find unoccupied corners in public places, keep my face down when I don’t have to interact with anyone, and strategically hide my mouth with my hands while looking studious and deeply contemplative. On the bus to work, I always try to get a window seat so that I can pretend to be looking out when other people board. When I wash my hands in the bathroom, I won’t even look up into the mirror because I know what I’ll see looking back at me. I know I’m a cowardly little shit and I find reasons not to stray beyond the people and places with whom and where I am already familiar. But there are two reasons why I might appear to exhibit the fine qualities of courage and bravery that you think I do: necessity and fatigue.

Necessity is cruel. You know how you said that I ”go about living [my] life just like anyone else?” You know why that is? It’s because I don’t have a choice about it. I have to contribute to the household. I have to eat. I have a car I need to pay off. I have to have insurance for it. I need gas for the car. I need the bus pass for work since I don’t want to put too many miles on the car. I need the train pass if I want to continue my job interviews in The City. I need a little recreational time. And I need a way to pay for it all. So I work. So I go grocery shopping. So I take the bus and the train. So I walk places. So I go to the post office. So I go to the park. So I take Philandros for walks and play fetch with him. So I, surprise, live my life pretty ordinarily. I don’t have the luxury of being a shut-in, recluse, or agoraphobe. I leave the apartment and go out among humankind because I have to.

Fatigue is another of those annoying reasons why I don’t just hide myself away completely. Do you know how tiring it is feeling like I need to be ashamed and hide myself all the time? Let me assure you, it is damn tiring, not to mention demoralizing. I get tired of being treated poorly or just plain dismissed, of feeling guilty if my face makes someone else uncomfortable, or of being made to feel like I’m repulsive. It’s a constant effort of will not to get down on myself when I’m terrified people will look at me and, the horror, see. And while the discourtesy of others often gets me angry, I am not an angry person by nature and it quickly translates into weary resignation. Being treated like a plague victim is par for the course and it gets old. And because of it, some days I just wake up and think, “fuck that.” And I go out and do normal ordinary things and think, if someone doesn’t like it, sucks to be them. But those days aren’t frequent enough.

Of course, the real irony is that I know all of this quite clearly about myself, the cowardice, the insecurity, the extreme self-consciousness, and yet I am widely told that I am (not necessarily brave or courageous but) one of the most confident people [the people telling me this] have ever met, “all backbone and no apologies.” Admittedly, the confidence is so much more “fake it ‘til you make it” than real personal strength even if I do call people out on their bullshit when I have the opportunity, but I will agree that I have no apologies. Why should I when I should be able to, as you say, “go about living [my] life just like anyone else” without being called brave or courageous for doing so?

How to Avoid Looking Like a "Horrible Person" When You Meet Me (or anyone else with a facial difference)

anonymous asked:

I'm hanging out with a friend and some of her friends in a few days and one of them has a port wine stain over most of his face. I've seen pictures of him on facebook and I still think he's hot even with it. But I'm terrified about meeting him because of this huge crush and I've never met anyone with a facial mark and I'm afraid I'll act awful without meaning to. What advice could you give so that I won't look like a horrible person?

This is a good question, and although I understand why you’re on anonymous to ask it, I wish more people did. I can’t say that I’m the highest or best authority in these matters (so anyone who can discuss this with the wisdom of experience, please feel free to contribute), but I will do my best to be helpful.

It sounds like you’re already quite interested in this guy and it’s great that you’re not going to let a birthmark, that might be considered a physical deterrent to others, diminish that interest. But please, please please please, and I cannot stress this enough, do NOT create a personality for him before you meet him (and this is general life advice too, but…). Now, if you’ve already started building up a personality for him based on your assumptions, you aren’t a terrible person but throw it away. People take a look at someone and instantly begin assuming things about them — it is human nature. They size them up, figure them out, decide if they are worthy of getting to know in-depth or not. Are there cultural influences, gender cues, ethnic associations, religious indications, etc etc etc? It takes us seconds, less than seconds, moments, to compile a cursory profile… and then we build upon it with our own little imaginings.

With me, a lot of people come to the conclusion that I am shy, quiet, extremely serious, timid, and that I have nil for self-esteem. I know it is because of the scarring since, when people look at me, that’s all they see (how I know that as certainly as I know it is for a whole other discussion). And when they see it, they think (I paraphrase here to condense the multitude of responses I have received to this question), “That poor man probably doesn’t want to show his face, probably wants to hide somewhere, probably won’t speak up because he will be noticed, probably has been hardened by how dreadful his life must be, and really, who could blame him when he looks like that?” And then they meet me. At first, yes, I am extremely reserved, but not because I’m shy. It’s because I’m anxious at not knowing how I will be perceived and treated. Once I feel safe, I’m silly, extremely vocal, possessing a healthy dose of confidence, and yes, I look in the mirror every day and hate what I see, but I don’t think that I, as a person, am half bad. And, as it turns out, I have devastatingly, but accidentally, disappointed people who have formed fanciful crushes on me because I did not live up to their brooding moody beast of fairy tale expectation.

As for his appearance, if you feel moved to tell him that you find him “hot,” I would caution you not to phrase it as you did in your question to me. In the most basic, unadorned way, people cannot help what they look like, and no one wants to be told that the thing they cannot control is the detractor. Please don’t make it sound like his birthmark is a hurdle (that you can surmount or not is immaterial) to his natural attractiveness, i.e. do not tell him that he is attractive in spite of it.

Also, do not tell him that he is attractive because of it either. This goes a little hand-in-hand with making up a personality based on a facial feature. Saying attractiveness is because of said feature sort of commodifies it. It’s saying that the feature is essentially the most important thing about that person and that, were it not there, you wouldn’t be interested. It isn’t objectifying so much as turning that feature, which may well be one of their most personal sensitivities, into a fetishistic feature which is never a good thing.

Keeping all of this in mind… when you meet him finally….

It’s really easy to say “treat him like you would anyone else,” but much harder in practice, right? Because you’re crushing on him and you’re dealing with something you’ve never had to deal with before, even if you know, deep down, it isn’t anything weird or different or dangerous. But don’t worry, a lot of people freeze up or do something that’s not ideal, not because they’re bad people, but because they are going through the same experience of not knowing what to do.

When most people meet me, they will not look me in the eyes and while it is such a small thing, it really says a lot about how uncomfortable they are, all the while sending the signal that I don’t merit their attention (which in turn makes me feel like I’m bothering them and that I should probably excuse myself so that they are no longer uncomfortable). So, when you meet the guy, look him in the eyes. Don’t meet his eyes and then look away. Look him in the eyes and keep the contact for as long as you’re interacting with him. Don’t look down. Don’t look at an ear. Don’t turn to your friend while you’re talking to him.

Also, be honest about your experience. If you do freeze up or say something you think is horribly insensitive or you do something you think might be interpreted as being unfriendly, go for honesty… maybe not about your crush but for those of us who get a lot of negative reactions, being told that you’re just unsure how to act and that you do not want to be insensitive is completely acceptable. But don’t make the admission about your comfort — make it about his. Apologise, ask him if there’s anything that would make him comfortable, and if he’s willing, ask him things about it (provided that you do so in a kind and respectful way). Granted, we’re people and not all about our facial differences, but what’s the first thing we see on other people? Their faces, and it’s better to address it openly and honestly than to pretend its not there.

Hope this helped a little?

Best of luck to you with your crush!