The Job Interview Script

I’ve been doing a great many job interviews lately. Now, phone interviews, I can ace. They love me. The interviewer gets excited. On a couple of occasions, I’ve been told that I have the job with the last remaining formality before officially hiring me be only to come see the office and sign contracts.

And that’s where the problem always ends up being. It’s practically scripted.

There’s the “I Need a Different Word Than ‘Disfigured:’”
"Oh! I didn’t realize you were….. so young."

The “It’s Our Fault:”
"We’re so sorry for your inconvenience. It turns out, someone was already hired and we just did not get the message."

The “But It Isn’t Our Fault” aka “Sondheim:”
"After we spoke, I reviewed your application materials again and realized that we need someone with different qualifications than yours.”

The “Anything I Want to Say Right Now Is Illegal:”
"You sounded different on the phone."

And the “We Are Going to Make You Feel Like a Fool for Showing Up:”
"Didn’t you get the call? We ended up hiring someone else."

If it’s that big a deal, I don’t know why they won’t just stick me in a damn cubicle with a headset and I will talk to people on the phone all day. I just don’t understand why they have to be awful because they’re not fooling anyone.