I am a complete introvert. I grew up alone. I am good with my own company. But I spend so much of my time on my own that I often feel desperate for any kind of social interaction and I don’t often get it. The few people I count as friends don’t live within the vicinity and those acquaintances that do are perfectly amenable to talking online or coming over the apartment or me going to theirs but never wish to go out and do everyday normal-person things with me. Now, maybe there are legit reasons for that, but it feels so personal, like they’re embarrassed to be seen with me.
I usually do not ask for company idly, especially if, as I suspect, it is an uncomfortable request, but company, in addition to being reassuring and emotionally necessary to some degree, has proved to be very useful. Whether it’s doing errands around the city or taking public transit, when I am by myself, I tend to be ignored, dismissed, or harassed. When I am with someone else, people treat me better, like a person who might be worth a modicum of dignity. I don’t know what phenomenon causes this, but I imagine that it’s because other people can see how the people I know interact with me and take cues from them.
I feel terrible saying I’m lonely and feeling isolated, especially with Philandros pressed up against my leg and Dea on the couch petting my hair. I had always hoped that someday, Dea would be the one to be at my side to help ease my anxieties but while I know she loves me, she’s seven years my junior and has her own life and her own crowd, and as much as I would like to present myself to her as a possibility for more than mere domestic stability, she’s already seeing someone and I feel so unworthy, for so many reasons.
Sometimes she is the reason I feel so alone.
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